8 Things That Women Don’t Do Anymore (The Sarcastic Version)

Sandwich
Image Source: Wikimedia Commons

Pffffttt, feminism. Back in the golden era of the 1950s, women went to university to get their M.R.S. degrees, leaving them fully qualified to make intelligent (but not too political) conversation at dinner parties and plunking them into a rich “learning” environment full of eligible men that they could spend the rest of their lives serving. These days, women care more about their own hopes and dreams than those of the men in their lives. Imagine! It’s one thing to have your own career, but it should play second fiddle to your husband’s work ambitions. Ladies, your born and bred task is to take care of your husband and pad his ego. You can have your own hopes and dreams, but those better not overshadow those of your man. Back in the good old days, women rose to the challenge of the tasks that they were born and bred to do – tasks that have fallen out of favour in our feminist society.

Cooking

Thanks to feminism, women think that cooking is something they don’t have to do anymore. Back in the day, women used to consult all kinds of cookbooks to make creative concoctions out of spam and Jell-O to serve at fancy dinner parties, but not anymore! Women these days don’t have to learn how to cook in school, so most never even learn how. Now, some people might say that cooking is a life skill and that both men and women should learn how to do it, but let’s be real here; the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so you’d better get in that kitchen right now!

Cleaning

Now, husbands and boyfriends should be perfectly capable of picking their own socks off of the floor, but the rest of the housework is your responsibility. If you can’t polish your mantle until a white glove comes out clean, you aren’t doing it right! A man’s home is his castle, so you should scrub and rinse until that castle is squeaky clean. Men do not know how to use mops and they’re usually far too tired after their long hours at their important jobs, so you’d best tackle that kind of work yourself. If you are also tired after your day at your full time job, just remember that you are woman and you are born and bred to balance housekeeping duties with everything else in your life. If you can’t manage that on your own, clearly no one made you do chores when you were growing up.

Playing Waitress

Men love it when women feed them, so don’t even think about asking your husband to get his own dinner. It is rude and disrespectful to do so in front of other people, because it clearly undermines his role as the head of the household. Sure, he can get up and go get his own food, but let’s be real – that’s asking a lot. If you really love him, you will put food on his plate and serve it to him as if he were 8 years old again. If you really love him, you’ll arrange it in a smiley face.

Talking Like a Lady

Women folk these days swear like sailors. Everyone knows that real ladies don’t curse, but 21st century girls have forgotten that somehow. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut. If you stub your toe really hard, accidentally burn that roast you were preparing for your husband, or lock your keys in the car, just grind your teeth. Eventually, they’ll crack, but at least you’ll be a lady!

Flattering His Ego

Menfolk are sensitive, delicate souls. They’ll never admit it, but they need constant flattery just to get by in life. Make no mistake, ladies. Unless you butter up his ego, he’ll never get that promotion, and it will all be YOUR FAULT. He needs to tell you how great he is all the time. If you’re thinking that this is a two-way street, think again. You’re a woman ad tough as nails, so if he ignores that extra effort you spent dressing up for your date or making him his favourite dinner, that’s just part of being a woman. Deal with it.

Looking good all the time

Remember those days when women used to dress to the nines just to see and be seen at the local grocery store? What happened to those days? Women these days are so lazy, they think that yoga pants are outside clothing. Going out for a few minutes to pick up the mail? Doesn’t matter. You should get yourself dolled up anyway. God forbid you be seen in public with your man looking anything other than perfect. You are his accessory, so look like it! Also, whatever you do, don’t get fat.

Dressing to the Nines

Ahhh date night. If you aren’t doing it, you really should be. Once you do, make sure you dress up. Back in the day, women always looked perfect for their men, but most of you think it’s ok to let a man see you looking like a human being. Shame on you.

Catering to His Every Need

You are a woman, and therefore, you have secret psychic powers. These are dished out to women at birth, and you should have spent your lifetime honing them. If you haven’t, you’d better start now, because you can’t expect men to just tell you how they feel or what they need. You should just KNOW that. Communication isn’t manly, so it’s your job to just figure it out. After you have performed your Vulcan mind meld and figured out what your man wants and needs in his life, you should do everything in your power to fulfill those needs. So go get him a cold one and make him a sandwich.

Obviously, this is a parody. This blog post popped up on my Facebook news feed (for the record, it was there because a friend was slamming it) and I just couldn’t resist. I know it’s not an article in a serious publication, but it still bothers me that people write and spread this kind of stuff.

I think cooking and cleaning are important life skills – for everyone. Men and women alike need to learn how to keep a clean house and feed themselves and their families. Both men and women can support their partners, flatter them, and make them feel loved. Both men and women can occasionally put in some extra effort to dress up, cook up a special meal, and do something special together. The best part about living in a world with equal footing (hypothetically – we’re not quite there yet) is that we don’t have to let our genders define our relationship. We can just be together as equals.

For the record, I have nothing against making my boyfriend the occasional sandwich, but I also love it when he makes me sandwiches. Our relationship is a wonderful world where everyone always has delicious, homemade sandwiches.

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